One word is holding me – and half the population – back at work

Not long ago, I checked an email I was about to send and cringed. I’d used the word “just” four times:

“I just wanted to check…”,

“I was just wondering…”,

“Just let me know…”,

“Just in case you can’t…”

This, among the usual forced pleasantries (no email has ever found anyone “well”), made me lose all conviction in the purpose of the email – to follow up on a meeting the other person had arranged. A quick scroll through my “Sent” folder revealed similar habits, which grated against the confidence I thought I had as a clear and decisive communicator.

“Words like ‘just’ seem small, but they subtly minimise what follows,” says Victoria McKlean, founder and chief executive of career consultancy City CV. “They reduce the weight of the message before it’s even been received. The same applies to phrases like ‘no problem if not’ or ‘no worries if this doesn’t work’. When used too early, they signal a lack of conviction. You’re giving the other person an exit before they’ve even responded.”

It’s a subconscious technique that many of us slip in to. This gentleness, when used with intention, can informalise and calm a potentially tricky conversation. Left unchecked, it seems, it can leave you sounding unsure of yourself – and the issue at hand.

Career coach and former recruiter Hannah Salton agrees. “There is a time and a place for ‘just’, but it is overused. I often recommend to my clients that they pay attention to their language, and notice when these words are creeping in. It’s not about ditching them completely, but not overusing them in the wrong context.” Places of work perhaps being one of them.

Victoria describes the “just” habit as an example of micro self-erasure: “small, almost invisible ways of making your message, and yourself, slightly smaller”, which I’m sure no one will be surprised to hear is more common among women than men. “I often see very capable female leaders softening their language at key moments – when asking for progression, negotiating or contributing in meetings. Not because they lack clarity, but because there’s an underlying calculation about how their message will be received,” Victoria explains. A lifetime of conditioning to be polite, conscientious, kind and personable is always going to reveal itself. I never thought it’d be to my professional detriment, though.

My softly, softly approach came up in conversation recently, when a friend – male, in a senior leadership role at a tech company – asked for advice dealing with someone on his team. We chatted about it, I drafted a rough script for their next meeting and he baulked at how “nice” I was being. He planned to trim at least half of what I’d suggested. I thought it was important that he approached the conversation sympathetically.

Cold, concise and abrupt communication has never encouraged me to do my best work. But perhaps my incidental sugar coating hasn’t been helpful to people on my team, either.

“In my experience, language at work has always mattered. What’s changed is the level of attention,” Victoria says. “Soft skills” are increasingly valued in professional environments – in a LinkedIn report, 92 per cent of talent professionals say they are equally or more important to hire for than hard skills. “It’s no longer just about what’s said, but how it lands and what it signals in that moment. Perception is shaped by how cleanly a point is made, whether it holds and whether it carries conviction. While jargon often gets the blame, it’s rarely the issue. For me, it’s the quieter habits: over-explaining, softening a point, or stepping back from your own position before anyone else has.”

This rings true. I’ve been guilty of all three of the quieter habits Victoria mentions, often under the assumption that it makes me more approachable at the very least. It feels like a bonus if it coaxes the other person to be empathetic towards my needs in return. After all, many of us align assertiveness with rudeness; a label that’s assigned much more readily to women than men, too.

A year-long study by Murray Edwards College, University of Cambridge found 43 per cent of female employees “have directly experienced being judged more negatively than men for exhibiting the same behaviour”, citing examples such as “branded as aggressive or bossy for behaviour that would be described as assertive in men.”

“There’s still a strong association, particularly for women, between being direct and being perceived as abrupt or difficult,” Victoria explains. “So what often happens is people dilute their language to avoid that risk.”

Which brings us to another word that women over-use at work: “sorry”.

I’m no stranger needlessly tagging it to entirely reasonable conversations. And research by The University of Law in 2023 found one in three (33 per cent) women admitted to over-apologising at work – almost double the number of men (17 per cent).

Victoria assures that there’s a way out of the “apology sandwich” (an apology, followed by the task, followed by more apology), though. “Instead of, ‘Sorry, would you mind doing this? I know you’re busy…’, try: ‘We’re on a tight deadline. These need filing today. Do you have everything you need to get started?’ Same request, completely different level of leadership. One shrinks you. The other positions you clearly,” she says.

Our tendency to use more “qualifying phrases”, such as “if that makes sense” and “if that’s okay”, is something Hannah’s observed, too. “Keep it simple and clear,” she advises. “Be direct, and resist the urge to soften it unless you have a genuine reason to.”

“Another quick win for more confident communication is to say ‘thank you’ instead of ‘sorry’. For example, if you take a little longer to reply to an email than you’d have liked, you could say ‘thanks for your patience’ rather than ‘I’m so sorry for the late reply’. It’s worth saying that apologies are sometimes absolutely necessary – but many people, women included, tend to reach for them far more often than is needed.”

I’m a little reasurred that my instinct to use “hedging” – language used to soften statements to make them less direct – isn’t necessarily a personal failing but rather a shared, socialised trait among many women. While there are certainly situations where this is a strength (we’re generally more measured, calm and empathetic) it’s not a habit I want to remain default in my professional career.

So how do I catch it in action? “Think about how many emails start with ‘I hope you’re well’, ‘Sorry for the delay’, ‘Just checking in’, or ‘Sorry to bother you’, Victoria advises. “All perfectly polite, but when they become the default, especially at senior level, they actually shift your position before you’ve even made your point.

“The same applies at the end: ‘Let me know if this works for you’, ‘Hope that helps’, ‘No rush at all’. Individually, they’re fine. Collectively, they dilute clarity.”

She adds: “A simple but effective technique is to remove the first and last lines of your emails. That’s usually where this softening hides. What’s left is the message you actually want to send: clearer, cleaner, and more direct. And in conversation, it’s about saying the point once and avoiding the temptation to fill the silence!”

I’ve tried trimming the bookends of my emails and found it uncomfortable at first, and then realised that I haven’t been met with shocked, angry, or disparaging comments in response – a necessary relief for those of us battling a deeply engrained need to please. Equally, it shaves valuable seconds off what is often a boring and tedious task.

“You have far more control over how you’re heard than you realise,” Victoria confirms. “Most of the shift comes not from adding more, but from removing what dilutes your message. When you do that, what’s left is clarity, conviction and presence – and that’s what people respond to.”

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